I can't show pain, long for the days
When I am free to feel
I don't want to lose everything
Just want to feel again
My heart would burst from you
If that would make things right
I don't feel anything
Outside the pain you bring
Only shadows and impressions
Are left for me to hold
Months have passed, seasons have changed, and I am still not over you, and this means:
-To think of you at least once a day
-To find ways to bring you up in almost every conversation, even if the topic has nothing to do with you
-To check your schedules and pass by your hangout places, in hopes of catching a glimpse of you
-To not be able to fall in love again
-To replay in my mind, even after all this time, our last conversations
-To imagine all the things that could have been said differently
-To look for similarities between you and other guys I meet
-To dream about you at night (you and I standing in the hall, distanced, surrounded by couples. I approach and say “why can't we..” but you turn around and walk away, not listening to my voice trailing off saying “be together too”)
-To hear, again and again, how I am still in love with my ex, to lie that I am not while knowing deep inside it isn't true
- To feel your presence and know you are near before my eyes perceive you
-To listen to my friends saying how immature and pathetic you are, to agree, but to want you anyway
-To see everything you don't do, like talk or look at me, as a sign that it hurts you
-To convince myself you are miserable without me
-To try so hard to forget you, and to fail all over again with every sunrise
I doubt it is you I am in love with. It is rather the idea of you, the love we had, the relationship that in my mind was ideal despite its flaws, the way you made me feel, all of those emotions resurface every time I see you, and I try so hard to forget, to move on, but I cannot do so until you and I talk, and sort everything out, and until I can look at you and feel nothing, see you without shaking like I do now, shaking with uncontrolled desire to caress your face, to kiss your forehead, to see you smile at me. I do not know how to ease this pain, how to make the burden carried around in my heart lighter, how to put out the burning inside of me, this fire of longing, how to sooth the aching in my head, the trembling that takes over my body when I am near you, I feel so hopeless when you look right through me. I was sitting on the stairs smoking a cigarette with a guy who will never be half as good as you when he stretched his arm to point in the direction where you were walking alongside a girl he claimed was your new girlfriend, and I fought the urge to take out my glasses and look at the luckiest girl in the world. He said she's weird and unattractive, and that was merely enough to comfort me, but I put my glasses away and firmly said I do not care, I am definitely over you, and he just chuckled and asked if I was any more over you than I was last week, when my body trembled and my heart raced after I spend less than a minute standing close(but not close enough) to you. I feel so pathetic, dramatic, obsessive, ashamed, vulnerable, and it is all because of you, your blank stares, the spell you cast on my almost a year ago which refuses to wear off. At the sight of you I am torn inside, I want to fall down on my knees and cry out to you, beg you to love me or to release me, to kiss me or to explain to me where did we go wrong. I like to pretend that your failing grades and your drugs and shady friends are cries for help, that you cannot be without me, you need me as much as I need you, this world makes no sense without you, you made everything nearly perfect and then you took it all away with just a few words, and I feel so lost now, the past few months I haven't been myself, I cannot let go no matter how hard I try, and this isn't fair, because I have been punished enough for all the pain I caused you, so why can't you forgive me and look me in the eyes? One day I will master he courage to walk up to you and scream in your face that you are nothing, you cannot man up and face me, you are rude and immature, you are the best I've ever had, and I will never forgive you for taking your love away from me and worse, for not telling me why. I wan to put my arms around you, to gets lost in your embrace and feel the world make sense again.
I can do it (:
преди 11 часа